GET PALESTINE
IN THE
EUROVISION SONG
CONTEST
We the undersigned call upon ourselves to make our fucking minds up whether Israel is in Europe or, as seems more likely, in the Middle East.
Having decided that Israel is in the Middle East, and furthermore that it surrounds Palestine, we demand that Palestine be admitted to the Eurovision Song Contest.
We note that the Palestine Broadcasting Corporation is currently only an Approved Participant of the European Broadcasting Union and that it needs to be an Active Member to take part in Eurovision, but regard this explanation as total fucking arseplasma.
We suggest Eurovision state broadcasters don't want Palestine in it because
a) Palestinians couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery and
b) letting them in would upset some Israelis and would therefore be 'anti-Semitic'.
We acknowledge that many deeply religious and conservative members of the Arab community will also be opposed to Palestine's participation in Eurovision. But then they are opposed to pop music in general, to women with visible hair, and to any Palestinian with a microphone unless he's a bewildered-looking mayor with a week's stubble. To these people we say fuck off, let's move forward a bit.
We further accept that if Palestine is allowed to take part in Eurovision, the state representative must not under any circumstances be an armed terrorist. Islamic Jihad may get great feedback and distortion out of their megaphones but this is Eurovision, not the Reading Festival.
We believe that the entire complex geopolitical history of Israel/Palestine can be amicably resolved through the participation of both nations in the Eurovision Song Contest. We further believe that subsequent heightened pop sensibilities on both sides would actively discourage, on one hand, pirated CDs of men droning on in unison about their Qassam rocket launcher and, on the other, Zionist ballads about blooming cacti in the desert sung by some bleating fucker who sounds like he’s just given up smoking.
