COUNTDOWN TO REMEMBRANCE:   consultants   hypnotists   architects   obese   prisoners

Cher Flappon, Size Awareness Coalition

Bottom line difference between the democratic free world and the anarchic nightmare of world terrorism? The dead. Look at the civilian casualties in Afghanistan - uniformly sized. "Carrot shaped", if you will. Yet those whose lives found such horrific closure in the World Trade Center were individuals. "Apples". "Pears". A lot of big people died that day. But we will endure, Mr. bin Laden. We will be stronger, and bigger. Civilisation has come a long way since 1953. Ordinary citizens, like me, will not sit around and watch it go pear-shaped, like me, now!

Eden Blinz, author of Stand Up - OK, Ha Ha Lean Forward

Five Good Reasons why Society should reassess Burly Folks post-911:

• More than 60% of Americans aged 20 years and older are overweight - this totally relandscapes the cultural concept of notional bigness, as we are now mostly normally sized.
• Take up more room in planes, thus indirectly contributing to a theoretical reduction in terrorist target numbers.
• Need all the love in the world, not scorn and ignorance.
• A balanced diet can include some natural fats such as butter, vegetable oils and eggs.
• We are 'global'.

Homer Sim, Associated Press Fat Archive

Where were you when the planes struck? I guess it's a question we'll all be asking each other soon with our mouths full. I cannot say where I was on the morning of September 11, as I am an amnesiac schizophrenic the size of a motherfucking tank who's been discovered in hospital by journalists acting on an anonymous tip-off. I was believed to have been selling "things" ACTUALLY OUTSIDE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER WHEN THE ATTACKS HAPPENED. I am probably the only person in this hospital who can't remember where I was at The Time. And I can't remember what "I" was selling. Also, I really don't remember being this shape.

Mingella Tuber, Body Mass Index

As this awful anniversary draws ever nearer, be vigilant. Keep records of your food intake and output. Giving in to the thin world equals weight in kilograms divided by height in meters squared (BMI = kg/m2).

Petra Cushing, Hypothyroidism Today

I've battled blubber, migraines, and depression all my life. I know from experience that the Bible verse is true which says "A despairing person needs kindness from his friends" (Job 6:14). I have impaired vision and Lupus, but I thank God for even the smallest of things - thermogenics, fat binders, carbohydrate blockers, appetite suppressors, foreign policies and cigarettes - in the war against metabolism.

Beverly Copeland, poet and homemaker

I am the skin hunger.
I am the fat ache.
I am the size of me.

I am Ground Donut,
the (non) smoking wreckage
of all those who
have tried to love me
nurture me and
who have failed.

My fat
Is an emotional barrier
Built up as a
placebo
security measure
In the wake of 911.

In the wake of 911.

Sheri T Bankwald, Epic Space Quarterly

We owe it to those who lost loved ones and businesses at Ground Zero to build over 12 million square feet of office, retail, and hotel space on the site. But must it be Disney-style urbanism? And where, oh where, are the cultural areas? Never mind, the transportation hub is fucking exquisite.

Jack O'Diggler, Design Aware

Let us remember not only the horror of 9/11, but the tragic legacy. It's costing $10m a month in rent for an empty site! Let the insurer speak!

Darcy Farquear'say, The Creative On Sunday

Here, in these modest yet poignant proposals, we must choose between several similar memorials surrounded by sombre and respectful commercial space. Alas. If I had to show off by inventing the type of architecture it expresses and entirely consists of, it might be something like Semi-Automatic Populism, though by mid-afternoon I might have come up with something better. 

Tasha Fist, Architec'

Reclaim the skyline. And reclaim it in style - with challenging architecture. The alternative is fresh air.

Groff Conkler, Self-Inspecting Alchemist

I for one have not been slow to point out the connections between postmodern relativism, political conservatism in international relations, support for illiberal regimes, and toleration of oppressive practices in the Arab world. If as Lyotard claims we are now a civilisation that has lost all faith in metanarratives, our vunerability as a civilisation is more than merely military. It is psychological. It may even be nanotechnological, or religious. Like the WTC site itself, I have a lot of space to fill.

Bambam Aloo, Urban XL

Let us not forget that we are in a sense engaging with the issue of how memorable a memorial should be. I say very. Something expensive, please - and keep the change!

My thoughts and prayers go out at this time to the families, friends, colleagues, neighbors, clients, people of ethnic origin, and all blind carbon copy recipients of this email, who may be looking for a flexible IT strategy to resonate into the future as a lasting tribute.

While al-Q'aeda has a cost-effective network, we're still struggling in my area of the East Midlands with broadband uptake. Surely if we are to win the War On Terrorism we need more IT alignment in the business community. The business community are the real soldiers in the front line against international popular revolution, though admittedly some are not armed. Though admittedly some are.

Due to serious flaws in Microsoft's Internet Explorer browser which may expose credit card and other sensitive information, I would like to pay tribute at this time to victims of cryptographic vulnerabilities. They must stand firm, and wait. As a successful IT consultant, I'm in enough pain and I do not intend to relive that day. It was bad enough to live that day. I'm not sure in the evening of Sept. 11 that I'll want to sit in front of a television at length and remember that day. I may do it earlier in that day, then in the evening watch the Adam Sandler comedy The Wedding Singer.

British taxpayers ask how an IT system for a Government agency, procured under the Private Finance Initiative from US consultants, could go £50m over budget and be running more than a year late. Call me American, but it seems to me this is a convenient motherfucking smokescreen to divert the thoughts and prayers of the civilised world from the contemplation and remembrance of September 11, in all its graphic motherfucking horror. British taxpayers should show more cocksucking respect for the loved ones.

On September 11 this year from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m I shall be putting Dreamweaver MX and Studio MX to Work and helping people to improve their Graphics, Animation and Flash skills. Why? Because the alternative, my friends, is anarchy.

This site used to be
much larger.

I reduced it in size
to make it cleaner.

I now have
extensive information
available offline
for the customers.

For the customers.

My heart goes right out at this difficult time to those affected by the appalling crimes against humanity in the US. I'd just like to say - hang in there, stay strong, and fingers crossed they won't be able to hold you much longer on suspicion of terrorism.

I have organised a Grief Support Group on my landing as part of the prison community's self-help initiative, developing strategies to avoid reoffending and helping offenders reintegrate into society. On September 11 we will stage a psychodrama in the toilet block. A minute's silence will be observed, during which we will smoke roll-ups and narrow our eyes.

When the successful yet horrific attacks took place on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Bradford JJB Sports on September 11 2001, I recall exactly where I was, and it was not at any of these scenes. I was with my solicitor discussing my recent arrest for fighting. The police, who OK I had been fighting at the time, were not happy. Result, four years. That's more than non-Muslims got, though admittedly exactly the same as other Asians in my situation. I should definitely have stayed in with a DVD during the riots, and robbed the sports shop instead. 

I was hoping to be the BABY KILLER FREED EARLY TO LOUNGE IN THE SUN WITH HIS PRISON WARDER LOVE THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR A LIFE SENTENCE TODAY but sadly I'm still inside for the paraffin on my trainers.

My 'take on 9/11' was going very nicely thanks, until some saucy cunt grassed me up to the humpty fucking dumpty. I was 1. Running a fake charitable trust for victims of terrorism. 2. Getting quality gear from Afghanistan. 3. A popular novelist. 4. Banging out souvenirs of 'Ground Zero' from a construction site just outside Cambridge. I have always been a right sociable cunt, and after organising a humorous revue for the warders (I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!) I got day release, doing community work for Lincoln's Theatre Royal. I look forward to helping out backstage, and pray the fucking missus understands why my fucking language has deteriorated since I've been in this cunt.

The way I menacingly look at things is this. The shadowy world of your international terrorist is like the shadowy world of your prisoner - 'hold your mud'. Whether it's top dogs or drongoes 'in the car', you've got to make your move while the coast is clear, and give the right signal - Tom or George. Stroking an imaginary beard is the 'George' sign, meaning it's 'OK, go ahead with your criminal activity.' Tweaking the nose or tugging at the ear lobe is the 'Tom' sign, meaning 'no, leave it.' Obviously someone gave the 'George' to 911, but who? Was his 'beard' real? Was he kept awake at night by an evil whispering voice in his head? That's the way I menacingly look at things.

As the anniversary approaches of those dreadful crimes against humanity, I want you to relax. Focus on these words as they appear on the screen, and let your mind empty itself of anxious or fearful thoughts. That's it. In a moment, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in a place that makes you feel happy, and safe. OK? Just relax. All right, close your eyes. Now bark like a dog.

If you can remember where you were when the planes crashed into the Twin Towers, that's good - you're alive! But also bad - 'survivor guilt' has probably marginalised your purpose in life. I can help. My 10-day course in self-mesmerising will allow you to regress to a past incarnation. You might have been a medieval farmer with tuberculosis, or a slave girl beaten to death in ancient Babylon. Wherever you go, I guarantee you'll find victimhood.

Increase the length of your grief by up to 30%!!! Yes, whatever you tell yourself, SIZE MANHATTERS. Independent research confirms that women of today like their men well-endowed with emotional fallout from 911. Using modern hypnosis techniques and cognitive therapy twice a day, we guarantee your SALUTE TO THE BRAVE will be longer, fatter and more acutely angled this time round.

If you're planning to spend 9/11 in a totally natural state of complete mental and physical relaxation, make sure you use a professional. Members of the Association of Mentalists and Hypnotists operate within strict guidelines and have signed certificates. AMH members assisted rescue workers at Ground Zero with 'psychic soup' and brain poetry. AMH consultant hypnotists worked with White House staff during Operation Infinite Justice and later Operation Enjoying Freedom, helping to screen out Palestinians etc. It's your neural pathway. Don't spoil it.

Hypnotists of the world awake! Fight the forces of non-Americanism with your mind energy! On Sept. 11, my posse and I will be infiltrating Muslim teleconferences. Let's see how the Jihad looks when the terrorists are all 4 years old, pinned to their seats by an invisible force, unable to speak, and Irish!

When I snap my fingers, you will open your eyes. But you will remember nothing of the Civilised World's Difficult Journey Through Rage And Bewilderment. You will forget the bombing. You will forget the Axis of Evil. You will forget the platitudinous, overwrought fucking drivel you left at a condolences website. Everything will be fine, until you hear the words 'Sir Paul McCartney'. Then the wounds of grief will be torn open, and you will buy an unplugged 911 tribute album featuring guest appearances by Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young and Sting. Just nod your head if you'd rather stay where you are, and I won't snap my fingers.

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