Rejoice, for the perfidious tyrant Blair has been brought low at last. A new dawn beckons for Iraq. A new opportunity. Democracy. This is a word that is less easily translated into Arabic, especially for the ladies. But if we are to rid these sacred and bounteous lands of the American aggressor, it is important to do the paperwork.
O tribes and clans of Mesopotamia, it is too early to call an election in Britain, so I have arranged to have one in Iraq instead. Let us go forward together, put a stop to all this unpleasantness, and learn how to laugh. If I can do it, my Iraqi friends, anyone can. And remember, only one vote. Even if you're Kurdish.
Your new friend, Gordon.
I would like Iraq to be
federal.
very, very holy.
democratic, with proper roads.
I would like my politics...
conducted in Arabic.
put into some sort of global perspective.
warlord-tolerant.
I would like the official religion to be
Islam, with no anti-social behaviour.
Islam, but with no men in it for a fucking change.
Whatever the president is having.
How should my equal rights be divided?
Equally between me and and my equally sophisticated brothers.
I'll hang on to them for now and maybe give the missus a bit every week.
Shi'ite People 82%, The Sunni Community 14%, Filthy Kurds NOTHING!
How often would you like to hold elections like this?
That's a trick question - you're trying to sell me something, aren't you?
Monthly - I'm lovin' it.
Once every invasion.
Would you like to reserve shares in the new Iraqi independent judiciary?
Put me down for a book of tickets as long as it's no more than a fiver.
No thanks, my local imam takes care of all that.
Could I have a new rifle instead?