Martyrs

Name: Mahmoud ah-Bahdmoud.
Age: 39.
Religion: Very Muslim.
When Martyred: Literally just five minutes ago.
Method of Martyrdom: Double-bluffed contingent of Danish peacemakers by concealing bomb in turban.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: Six, including interpreter and satirical effigy.

Name: 'The Helpful Dancing Paperclip'.
Age: 23.
Religion: Latest Islam, with updates.
When Martyred: Yesterday.
Method of Martyrdom: Tied bungee rope to self, other end to secret cache of volatile explosives, caught bus.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: Four, including
non-Halal guide dog.

Name: Mustapha Jihad
Age: 35
Religion: Muslim Plus.
When Martyred: Saturday lunchtime.
Method of Martyrdom: Put two 45-kilogram lumps of weapons-grade uranium in pants, fell from atrium of Dubai Hilton.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: Two, plus contents of fish tank.

Name: 'West Banksy'.
Age: Mysteriously vague.
Religion: Well Muslim.
When Martyred: During the Feast of Bitter Herbs, just before Pudding.
Method of Martyrdom: Induced vomiting, puked up concealed cluster bomb.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: None,
due to malfunctioning cluster bomb. It did go off after the brother had stamped on it for a while, but by then everyone had moved further away.

Name: Ahmed Talibanger.
Age: 33.
Religion: Advanced Muslim.
When Martyred: Holy Day of the Thrown Shoes.
Method of Martyrdom: Contracted MRSA, crawled into mincer at Jordanian pie factory.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: Unknown, though hopes of multiple prayer-driven pie deaths remain high.

Name: 'The Scorchmark'.
Age: 17.
Religion: Muslim Turbo.
When Martyred: Late last night.
Method of Martyrdom: Discovered masturbating to downloaded pornography by Muslim Mum.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: Over 400 images deleted of tattooed infidel whores presenting shaved 'kebabs'.

Name: Mick from Bradford.
Age: 29.
Religion: Muslim-ish.
When Martyred: Weekend before last.
Method of Martyrdom: Boddingtons and speed.
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: None, though did bump into someone in the toilet.

Name: Vincent Caliphatus.
Age: 'Old enough to know better!'
Religion: None, but awarded posthumous Muslimism.
When Martyred: Ooh, while ago now.
Method of Martyrdom: Total fucking accident, hit patch of black ice on the A686 and crashed into stationary tractor. Ironically, the Mondeo had just been serviced!
Infidels Eliminated Thanks Be To Allah: One, as not made honorary Muslim until after martydom.