Nobby the Northern Dinosaur
Luckily I'm Not Stupid
Hello! You all right? Nobby the Northern Dinosaur here. Formby Ward, Wigan Royal Infirmary.
Anaesthetist's just been. White Lad, so I'll not have been slipped any Jungle Juice or stuff they put on poison darts. Operation a Bit Later.
Exploratory, Doctor said. Exploratory! Don't they know what the Inside Of An Arse looks like?
This whole so-called Cancer Business is a Right Flipping Lardy, Mardy, Flipping...I don't know. Pills for so-called Alzheimer's. More Pills to Curb Swearing AND Incontinence now, if You Don't Mind!
Keeping Drier. However Really Hurts when I say Cunt. Ow!
On Day of Operation you have to:
1. Oh, aye, get up early.
2. Have what Fucking Nurse...ow!..calls Just A Liddle Bidda Toast, A Liddle Cubba Tea.
3. Ring Hospital to see if they've Even Got A Bed For You, then if they have,
4. DON'T EAT ANYTHING ELSE.
Luckily I'm not Stupid. I set the Alarm Clock half an hour earlier and had Eggs, Bacon, Sausages, Liddle Bidda Black Pudding, Beans, Mushrooms Fried in Duck Fat ETC BEFORE I EVEN RANG THE HOSPITAL.
Bed for me, great! Just have a Liddle Bidda Toast, Liddle Cubba Tea and I'll BE RIGHT IN, boss!
Like Days Ago Now. I'm getting Right Mazey, they'll be in for me soon. Aye, I'm off to The Theatre Tonight - Phantom Of The Arse Cancer, with any Luck!
Or as I would have said to The Lads when they came in Earlier to wish me luck - Anything With A Happy Ending!
Except I didn't see them. They must have come when I was in Toilet, thought I'd gone in for Operation, so Gone Home again.
Must remember: Two Slices Corned Beef in so-called Salad Tray of Fridge when I get home. And tape Emmerdale. That Nurse's Blouse is...not sure, Brushed Cotton, do they call it? I don't want to Go To Sleep.
I hope that's been of some help. Cheerio!
P.S They've told me to start counting backwards from 1950. Eh, now that's a PROPER racing car. Where's my Hat? Lights out!
